A Tribute to a Friend

I have this friend Jon and we both have a friend named JP. We love the guy. He’s amazing. How amazing? He’s cooler and better then the legend Chuck Norris. So, what do you do with a man like this…you honor him and well, the best way I knowhow is by stealing everything “good” that was ever said about Chuck Norris and then making it about JP Ithurburn. So, here goes…

20 Reasons why JP Ithurburn is so amazing…

1. JP Ithurburn’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. JP Ithurburn counted to infinity – twice.
3. JP Ithurburn does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. JP Ithurburn goes killing.
4. If you can see JP Ithurburn, he can see you. If you can’t see JP Ithurburn you may be only seconds away from death.
5. JP Ithurburn sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, JP roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
6. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for JP Ithurburn.
7. JP Ithurburn built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, JP Ithurburn met all three bullets with his one good eye, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
8. JP Ithurburn has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
9. A blind man once stepped on JP Ithurburn’s shoe. JP replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m JP Ithurburn!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by JP Ithurburn.
10. The chief export of JP Ithurburn is pain.
11. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in JP Ithurburn’s butt.
12. JP Ithurburn once kicked a baby elephant into puberty.
13. JP Ithurburn ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
14. JP Ithurburn’s evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached JP with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard’s curly, well kept hair, JP Ithurburn became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic hardcore superstar, The Incredible Hulk.
15. If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: JP Ithurburn.
16. JP Ithurburn doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
17. JP Ithurburn can lead a horse to water AND make him drink it.
18. JP Ithurburn doesn’t wear a watch; he decides what time it is.
19. JP Ithurburn once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
20. If you spell JP Ithurburn in Scrabble, you win. Forever.